so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
