She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
