I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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