If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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