It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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