i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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