I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
