so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
