Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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