The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
