I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
