Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
