remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
