Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
