Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
