ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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