Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
