So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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