Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
