help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
