i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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