mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
