her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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