Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
