dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
