i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have already put on my inside pants.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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