i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
