The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
