Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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