First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
