shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
