If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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