cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
