Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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