I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
