Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
