$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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