Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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