Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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