hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
