SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
