My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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