i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just had sex on a roof
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
