Got a toothbrush?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
