found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize