I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
