My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
