dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
