Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
