I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
