should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
