Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the condom got lost in my hair
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
