fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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