God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
