and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
