Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
