Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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