When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
