Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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